🗂️Keep in Mind The Out-of-Touch Adults' Guide to Kid Culture: What Are Dirty Sodas?

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We're become a nation of squares. Young people are drinking less, doing fewer drugs, having less sex, and generally not partying as heartily as previous generations. Back in my day, we used to get strangers pregnant and binge drink until we nearly died of alcohol poisoning every damn weekend! Where to begin figuring out what's wrong with kids today? Let's start with what they are drinking.

What are “dirty sodas?” And what do they say about the the nation’s new puritanism?​

Despite their suggestive name, “dirty sodas” are non-alcoholic drinks, usually consisting of a soda water base enhanced with cream and flavored syrups—like an Italian soda, but with a different name. The drinks took off in Utah, where drive-thru franchise Swigs claims ownership, and was popularized by the cast of the Hulu TV show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

The rise of dirty sodas in Utah mirrors the growing popularity of non-alcoholic cocktails nationwide, particularly among young people. Elaborate mocktails have become a mainstay on the menus of bars all over, and there are fully non-alcoholic “cocktail bars” open in urban areas. These aren't depressing watering holes for former drinkers working their programs, but trendy places where good-looking people go to—not drink, I guess?

Non-alcoholic drinks are part of an even large societal shift toward sobriety and chastity. Young people not only drink less than they did in previous generations, they are having sex less often and doing fewer drugs. They don’t even like rock 'n' roll.

This isn’t a bad thing necessarily, but it’s a little hard for an old cat like me to get my head around. What do you even do at a bar if you aren't having a couple drinks? And what even are today's teenagers if they aren't reprobates and thrill-seekers more daring and immoral than I ever was?

Why are people searching #glasscleaner on Tik#glasscleaner]

Young people aren’t entirely puritanical. The seemingly random hashtag #glasscleaner is taking off on TikTok for supposedly allowing an illicit look at imagery TikTok does not approve of. A perusal of the tag reveals many videos exhorting people not to search the term on the social media platform, and other seemingly innocent videos with what seem like very high view rates.

The idea is that some videos tagged #glasscleaner or #bmw actually contain hidden, forbidden imagery. Apparently, someone discovered that if you bury lewd content under enough filters, it can make it through TikTok’s automated lewd detection technology. They’re tagged #glassclearner and #BMW fo#glassclearnerown. #BMWm not entirely convinced this is really happening though. I’ve really tried to seek out the pictures I’m not supposed to be able to see (it’s in my nature) and I can’t make anything out, so either TikTok has gotten wise to whatever methods people are using to display forbidden imagery and have nuked the offending displays from orbit, or there never was anything illicit under these hashtags, and it was all a ruse or a prank.

Either way, I have heard that there are internet websites that are devoted to only showing immoral pictures and videos, and there’s no need for a secret hashtag to view them. (Don’t quote me on this.)

"Gleaming," and the new acceptance of neurodiversity​

Young people might be teetotaling Mormons channeling their lust into defeating TikTok’s content moderation, but they’re definitely better people than previous generations. When I was in high school, if someone had autism, they were given a mean nickname and left to fend for themselves at the bottom of the pecking order. But today’s kids don’t get down like that. Having autism is not only accepted, it’s celebrated. Which brings me to YNG Martyr’s hip-hop track “Gleaming,” which contains the lyrics, “The gang ain't neurotypical. My bro got autism. She thought he threw up gang signs; it’s just my dawg stimmin’.” Bars!

On October 29, YNG Martyr released a clip of the song on his instagram, where it quickly took off, earning nearly 6 million views in less than a week and leading to folks using the clip to show off their own neurodivergent gangs and loved ones throwing up the autism gang sign. Heartwarming, especially for anyone with an autistic family member.

The full music video followed a week later. It’s...alright. Check it out below.

Battle of the child-influencers: Baby Gronk versus the Rizzler​

Remember Baby Gronk? The Instagram influencer rose to online prominence through pee wee football highlight clips and a social media presence designed to make it look like the 12-year-old was already a famous and sought-after athlete. Baby Gronk is a product of the current age, and the crass materialism he embodies is a kind of excess that's different from the binge-drinking of past generations, but no less excessive.

On the other side of the cultural coin is the Rizzler. The current hot young internet dude achieved his viral fame as part of the Costco Guys, a group of unpretentious, regular guys who go to Costco, say “Boom,” and—I don’t even know what else these people do, but they sure do it aggressively, and lots of people sure like it. Unlike Baby Gronk, the Rizzler and his co-horts AJ and Big Justice blew up big enough to have appeared on The Tonight Show.

This doesn't seem to be sitting well with Baby Gronk, who tweeted a video of himself threatening to kick the Rizzler’s “fat butt.”

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But it's always the ratio that tells the true story of the battle for the soul of online influencer fans: There are nearly 5 million views on B. Gronk’s threat and only 1.7k likes, which suggests that people don’t want to see Baby Gronk beat up the Rizzler. Unlike Baby Gronk, the Rizzler is seen as age appropriate, kid-like, wholesome and sincere.

What does it all mean in the end? No one can say for sure, but if the fates of online child stars follow a similar trajectory as traditional child stars, the longterm prognosis for both Gronk and Rizz are not good.

Viral videos of the week: Calimar’s complaint calls​

Stand-up comedian Calimar White has hit on a simple recipe for viral video success: He solicits anonymous workplace complaints from employees, then confronts their bosses, reading verbatim what employees really think of management.

Adopting the persona of Agent Ratliff with “OCDA, Occupational Cares Diversity Affairs,” White started with phone calls, but didn’t hit “millions of views per-video” levels of success until he started actually showing up at offices and warehouses in an official looking uniform, brining the heat to bad bosses' faces. White always informs his marks that OCDA is "a real company and these are real complaints,” and explains that “once I write it down it becomes true.”

The reactions are mixed. Sometimes people see through the schtick immediately and tell him to get lost. Sometimes an entire office gets involved in the trying to figure out who this guy is, exactly, and whether to take what he says seriously. Some workplaces actually sit down with him and try to solve the issue.

Seeing authority figures brought down to earth has been a comedy classic since silent movies, but underneath the cheeky premise, there’s something real being said about the nature of petty power within capitalism, and how workers' voices can be so minimized that a comedian has to be hired to express them.

From a certain perspective, these videos are harassment—the middle managers that tend to be targeted don’t have much more power or agency than their employees—but on the other hand, it’s hard not to be amused. Check out White’s TikTok or Instagram and see what you think.
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